I never intended for the last entry to be Gary's death, I just needed some time to get my thoughts together. Not that they are really together now, but a little less hazy.
I've been busying myself with a make-shift life for now --- unnecessary errands and projects, distractions to pass the hours. It may be "make-shift" for now but I have faith that it will turn into a "normal" life one day. I just saw our friend Jim Rafferty and we were talking about how single events, like the day Gary was diagnosed with leukemia, really shake you to your foundation. How it becomes painfully clear that what you assume life is going to be is absolutely not the way it's going to turn out. There's no preparation for it.
The kids and I have had terrible colds for the past week and we are all just recovering now. Patrick is at Gary's mother's house for the night and Lib is with my mom. I have the place to myself and I should be cleaning the kitchen. That's why I'm writing in the journal.
It has been a great comfort to go to my mailbox since the funeral, and open the many cards that arrive everyday. I always thought sympathy cards were inadequate consolation to folks and I don't always send them, but now that I'm on the other side, I take comfort in the cards people selected for me and the precious notes friends had the courage to write in them. The numerous emails that were lovingly sent to me before and after Gary's death, and the many comments in the journal are also a cherished legacy for me and for the children to read in the future.
On a slightly funny note, last Friday (the 9th) I was inticed by my friends Nan and Dana to join them for happy hour at James Joyce Pub downtown. Libby was at Mom's and Patrick was with Linda (Gary's mom). So I though it would help to be out with friends and suspend reality for a while, hang out and have a fun evening. We had a great time chatting about nothing important and sharing a few beers together. I walk though my door around midnight, whereupon the phone rings. I answer it, now concerned as to who is calling me at midnight, only to have my Mom tell me that Linda has had to take Patrick to Union Memorial Hospital because he has a high fever and is vomiting. Hmmm. Before I even hang up the phone my Aunt Sue has arrived to drive me to the hosptial to be with Patrick. I guess it's a good attribute, but I never really freak out about things like this -- I knew Patrick was sick, but I also know my pediatrician (who Linda had called) sent him to the hospital as a precaution. So I wasn't too worried. The only thing I'm thinking about on the ride to the hospital is that I reek of smoke from the bar and probably have beer on my breath. I feel like Mother of the Year: my husband has just died, my son is in the ER and Momma's out partying. I didn't beat myself up too bad, I just had to shake my head at the way things go sometimes. Patrick is fine, just a cold. And I may or may not go out with my friends again. Might be too dangerous for the children.
More later when I have more cleaning to avoid. I miss Gary, as I'm sure all of you do in some way. Life's a bit lopsided and askew at the moment. What I though would be, isn't and what is, dosn't seem real.
Love to all--
I'm glad that you have chosen to continue to write in the journal! I think that it will mean alot to you and the kids years from now. I'm sure the ER sees much worse than a mom who comes in after a beer or two. I'm sure you will go out with friends again. A long time ago I learned that Gary lived his life for every moment, he taught us to do that as well. Gary will always live on in our house, everytime Xbox comes out and there are many other things that we look at each other and say Gary!
Love, The Zarubaiko's
I enjoyed your ER story! The strange thing is that we were in the ER at Children's Hosp here in Atlanta at about the same time! We could have chatted. Did you have a multi-lingual-language phone? (I was hoping they could translate pig latin, but I digress...) Hope was also throwing up - but no fever. A breathing treatment, some anti-nausea meds - and we were home in bed at... 6AM. Breathing treatments continue - you know, glasses, braces and allergies.
Thanks for updating - I kept checking the weblog hoping you would continue to add to it. I went back and re-read the beginning.
I love you so much!
Don't forget the value of painting nails to avoid house work - while waiting to dry, what can you really accomplish? Might as well watch TV or email!
Marcy, I'm glad you're still writing in the Journal. I miss Gary to, after my own fashion. Your loss in this is so great. Be sure to give yourself time to grieve.
Grieving sounds so simple the way the psychologists lay it out: a path through Denial, Anger, Despair, and finally into Acceptance. But it's not a straight line, rather a random walk, three steps forward, two (and some days nine) steps back.
Let it be a month between postings if it needs to be. Take your time. Gary lives in that journal, and so do you. Let your words there echo your loss -- and his -- each in their own good time. Please do not hurry, or feel it as a command peformance.
Your children are a great gift. So are those who help you now to care for them. You'll find healing through them as they grow. Gary lives in them too.
I am so very very sorry this all has come to pass.
I think of you so often. Thank you for the latest entry and letting us know how you are doing. And yes, you have my vote for "Mother of the Year". Thanks for the laugh.
Take your time dealing with your sadness and loss and don't worry about "normal", it's just a word.
You are truly a strong and amazing woman. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as are Libby and Patrick.
Oh, and don't forget - there's always QVC and HSN! (anything to avoid housework)
Marcy, You are a wonderful mother, all you have to do is look and hear Patrick and Libby to know how good you are. In fact I was thinking about Michael... Na, wouldn't do that to you, but if you ever need a project he's the one, let him clean the kitchen. Also, I will always help with the children when you go out with friends (you need to be with your friends and relax), maybe next time can just be playing and not take a road trip though I can say it was an interesting evening.
Thanks for continueing the writings as they open a window into your life, they let us laugh and they let us cry.
There's so many times a day I just can't believe it and I miss him. All I can seem to say is I love you.
With all my love, Aunt Sue
The path we travel is laid out by someone, hopefully the God we worship or believe in, and it is our responsibility to travel it and make life better for others. You are traveling a path laid out for you and your family and it is there for your to enjoy when you can and share with others when you want. I am so glad you are still writing in the journal online. Keep going to Happy Hours, so long as the kids survive, and try and enjoy life when you can. God knows you deserve it and it seems your support network surely wants to keep supporting you. You are strong and a wonderful mother to your children. We all miss Gary and will for a long long time. Life waits for no one and when you least expect it you have to jump back on the journey. I know that real men do cry and that life is about friends and you and Gary have many friends. Keep up keeping up and I will remain an avid reader of the Galloway Journal online.
Marcy, My motto "Cleaning the house will the kids are growing- is like shoveling the walk when it is still snowing". Take the time for your self. We think of you often. Thanks for writing! Love, Lisa
You know we love you. Wish we had been home and not in Ireland when Gary died. Yet, we had the good sense (or was that lust?) to produce Nan to be with you. Continue hanging around with her, and Lord knows what other trouble you can get into.
Let Nan know when you need an extra pair of hands. I clean toilet with the best of them.