I sang with a chorus tonight for the first time since Gary became ill. I was contacted by some of my old friends from the now defunct Baltimore Symphony Chorus and was asked to sing with them and the Handel Choir of Baltimore in a combined concert. The music is lovely and exhausting and exiliarating. The route home from the rehearsal church on North Charles Street took me right past the gates of GBMC where Gary and I spent many an evening together. I really wanted to turn into the gates, park my car and walk into Unit #34 (the oncology unit) and see if I could find any familiar faces and then sit down and cry and cry and cry.
Singing tonight was unexpectedly bittersweet as it brought back many memories from the early days of our marriage. I remember being eight months pregnant with Patrick and standing in the back row (of course) of the choir risers and singing my heart out at the Myerhoff. I felt SO FULL OF LIFE! After Patrick was born, I went right back to singing a few weeks later as we had a spring concert series to prepare for. Gary would meet Patrick and me after work on Tuesdays to have dinner with us somewhere in Towson and he would take Patrick back home and I would go to rehearsal. He was such a proud dad and I loved the two of them SO much it hurt.
Patrick turns three tomorrow. I was thinking back to those lovely times back in the spring of 2001 on my drive home tonight. I feel like I've lived a thousand lifetimes since. It was the time when we were just beginning, before our most darling Libby came to us, before Gary got sick. I miss Gary and I miss what should have been, what we both thought was going to be.
I try to fill my days with the possibilities of what might be. And I hope this great gigantic hole in my heart will start to fill in one day. I wish I knew what he was doing right now.
Tears here too, reading this. It's wonderful to learn about the funds for the kids' education. What a lovely, unforgettable gift. I love thinking about you jumping in the pool, singing in the chorus, and romping with the youngsters. The love you brought into the world is a real thing, that is still here. Amazing, isn't it? I'm off this afternoon to the apheresis crowd. I get over there about every 3 weeks or so. Joe goes less often because for whatever reason, his platelet count tends to be a bit lower, so they make him wait 60 days between visits. I still have the occasional rejection on account of a low iron count (bogus, in my view) but my platelets seem to be plentiful, so I'm called every 2 weeks or so. Keep the updates coming --- we keep a chair warm for you at the PHH lunch table and think of you often --- Love,