Archives: May 2005
Tue May 17, 2005
What Falls Away
I was at choir rehearsal tonight... I find that most of my Gary thinking occurs when I am singing or am driving north on Charles Street late at night... anyway, an older lady I sit next to was telling me that her husband is in GBMC trying to recover from pneumonia. He's 82. And she looked tired. Really tired. And I told her I knew.
I told her about Gary and the leukemia and she asked me what kind it was. And I couldn't remember if it was AML or CML or ALL. And she was talking about her husband's cell counts and hematocrit and the medicines he was on and I couldn't remember. And this gave me some unexpected peace tonight. At one time, our lives were totally absorbed in numbers and doses and research and tough decisions. But now I realize that all of that noise has fallen away and when I think of Gary I rarely think about his sickness. As it should be. Much more to the man then some bad cells.
I get a little bit better each day, but I still have my "freak outs". Blessedly, they no longer last weeks or days, but now just a few hours or if I'm really lucky, 5 minutes. Today was a 5 minute day. And, driving home north on Charles Street tonight, I came upon another realization. There are eight steps I need to climb to get to my front door. This is a big pain in the butt, because in addition to the half-flight of steps, I am NEVER without something in my hands. For instance: 1st trip-- Patrick, 45 lbs and fast asleep. 2nd trip-- Libby, 35 pounds and snoring (and then up a second flight to her room). 3rd trip -- 8 bags of groceries (and apple juice ain't light), various diaper bags and my purse. 4th trip -- dammit, I left the cell phone in the car!. The struggle just to get into the house wears on me some days. Good news: the new house will be at ground level. I think this will improve my life greatly.
The permits for the new house are stalled at the county for the moment until my Special Hearing on June 14th. Hopefully we will meet all the building criteria and will be off and running soon. I will sell our current house on Rockaway Beach next spring by which time (hopefully) the new house will be completed. I will report more when I have more to report.
The kids are just fine except for the fact that every square inch of exposed skin is either scraped or bruised (or contains some sort of bug bite). When you're 2 and 4, apparently you fall down alot for no apparent reason. We're going through Band-Aids like water around here. But we're having fun. And try as she might, Libby has not landed in the ER yet. Yet.
I'm not sure any of this makes sense tonight -- just some babblings from deep within my brain. I find it difficult to put entries in this journal now, because it's becoming less and less about Gary. This was always his vehicle for information and often it is just too difficult to add entries because we're moving on and it makes me so sad.
Love to all--
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